Thursday, December 30, 2004

Broadcasting Lifestyles of the Rich and Annoying

Dear Good Charlotte,

Sigh. That's what I do when I think about you, Good Charlotte. Now, I don't really know you that well. In fact, I sort of suspect that there are maybe five guys in your band now, as opposed to four, as the above picture might have you believe. Then again, I don't really know. And I don't know because I don't really like you. In fact, I would venture to say that your quar/quintet is the single reason why commercial music sucks so bad right now. That's right: the reason is neither Britney, nor Hillary, nor even my nemesis, Lohan. It is, in fact, you.

And I say this because, frankly, it's time for you to take some responsibility here. Now, I know you kids have tattoos, and yes, you wear make-up, and yes, for some unbelievable reason that can only point to the coming apocalypse, you have become "friends" (I guess?) with Rancid, of all groups. But here's the thing: you're not fooling anyone. And that is why I sigh. Because it's like you're really, really trying, you know? (Except, to be honest, that one skinny dude doesn't even look like he's trying anymore. He's kinda like, "yeah, give me a lip ring, I'll grow my hair all crappy, but I really can't be bothered to look at the camera. I'll look off over here, in the distance." To that guy I say this: you're not cool enough to pull this kind of shit. Step in line, sucker.) And there's nothing wrong with trying - trying is good! But you're trying in the way that someone's little brother's band is trying: it's cute, but ultimately the brother's band sucks and they quit. That didn't happen to you. I'm not sure why, and frankly, I don't want to waste my time right now trying to figure it out.

So Good Charlotte, I end with this: Did you think it was a good idea to release many, many songs about how alienated you are, and how no one understands you, in hopes of winning over people who like and respect good music? Because you were wrong.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

The Worst Broadcast


Dear Lindsay Lohan,

Why you all in my face? Why must you continue your epic struggle to achieve complete and total media saturation? Are you trying to conquer some sort of evil tabloid trifecta by appearing in People, Star and InTouch every week, on every single page?

Earlier today on Ellen, I witnessed the trainwreck that is your "singing" career. Yikes. Lindsay - may I call you Lindsay? - you're in trouble. People don't really know what to make of you. You seem pleasant and everything, but could you remind me again why you're famous? Sure, you were in that Tina Fey movie - pip, pip! - but one Tina Fey movie does not a movie star make. Wait, what's that? You dated Fez from "That 70's Show"? Come on now - everyone knows he's the Gabrielle Carteris of that ensemble cast. Sorry, what did you say? Oh, you're "friends" with Tara "my breasts look like they are actually filled with cement" Reid and Paris "please don't point out my lazy eye" Hilton? LL, these are not "ladies" that you want to be associated with. They're actually clinically retarded.

Lindsay, it's not that I have anything against you, personally. It's just: why you? Why not some other red-headed teen with questionable talent? Well, I hope that I've brought some issues to your attention. I can't force you to stop existing as a media-created and produced persona that embodies everything that is at once both right and wrong with popular culture. I'm just one person.

The Usual Spy

P.S.: While I'm not totally sure what is wrong with your arms, or why they are so scrawny, I am sure that flapping them around like you're injured while you're being interviewed doesn't help anything.

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

The First Broadcast

This site will be dedicated to the mind-numbing avalanche of pop culture that I both crave and dismiss. Once I figure out how to get pictures on the site, I will begin.

Pip, pip!