Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Desperate Broadcasts

Dear Teri Hatcher,

Okay, first off, I'm not even going to comment on whatever is happening to your chest in the above picture. It's just something I'm going to have to accept. Besides that, Teri, I just don't know what to say here. On the one hand, you're sort of the poster girl for a whole new generation of anorexic 40-somethings, but on the other hand, you seem to be as surprised as I am about your newly-resurrected career. I was all set to write something, shall we say - bitter? - about you, but then you won some award and you called yourself a has-been, and I was like, "well, that kid's got pizzaz" so I decided to call it quits. But then something happened.

I wish that I had a series of pictures - a photo slideshow, if you will - to demonstrate the point I am about to make, but alas, the ABC website (for some reason...) doesn't include any. Nevertheless, my point goes something like this: how many years have you been walking? Uh, huh. And so, you've had time to like, practice walking, right? Uh, huh, okay. Because Teri - may I call you Teri? - the thing is, in almost EVERY SINGLE EPISODE you fall over, or trip, or something, and damn it, to say the least, it makes me seethe with rage.

Now, I'm not stupid. I know that you don't control what your character is going to say or do episode to episode. But you must have some pull, right? So could you get in there at those table readings and maybe say something like "um, guys? Hi. I know that you think it's funny how I fall in every episode like some bimbo who can't quite control her spastic limbs, but actually, it's kind of annoying. Annoying because, well, if we're going to have a show about anorexic women in their 40s, could all the women at least have control over their basic motor skills? That'd be really great. I mean, it's bad enough that the only character with a normal body had to commit suicide in the first episode because she never could get the hang of binging and purging, but - What's that? Oh, that's not why she killed herself? Oh, man. My bad".

Come on Teri - anyone who can come back from a career as a Radio Shack spokewoman can surely pull this off. Oh, and do you think that you could pass this message along to Sandra Bullock? Oh, and to Julia Roberts? Great. Thanks.

the usual spy.

Broadcasting from Degrassi Junior High!

Dear Degrassi Junior High Season 1 DVDs,

Wow. This is a moment that I have been waiting to witness for quite some time now. For a while, your episodes were only available on VHS, but I knew that if I waited long enough, my wish would be granted and you would appear on DVD. This, along with a recent bursary from my university that must be run by Satan's henchmen and the fact that no immediate family members have developed any new life-threatening diseases, is surely a sign that 2005 will truly be, as I predicted in December, the year of the Usual Spy.

Degrassi Junior High Season 1 DVDs, I'd like to take you back to a simpler time. A time when I was in first year, and my residence had a dress-up floor crawl. After much agonizing and drinking, my roommate and I decided that the theme of our room would be "the Degrassi Junior High episode where Stephanie gets drunk at Lucy's house before the school dance." We weren't positive as to what specific drink Stephanie gets drunk with, but we were pretty sure that it involved Bailey's, so we made shots of Bailey's and chocolate milk for the whole floor to enjoy. Of course, in the Degrassi episode, Stephanie throws up in the school bathroom. Similarly, that night, many people threw up in the residence bathroom (and, come to think of it, in the hall).

Ah, how life imitates art.

And earlier in my life, when people in high school would watch The Flintstones and Out of This World during lunch, I would only ever watch the two consecutive episodes that ran on Showcase. This is, I feel, a demonstration of my devotion to you. I mean, I gave up watching Out of This World for you! That girl could freeze time, for Christ's sake!

the usual spy