Thursday, March 03, 2005

SJP: Broadcasting her years as a corporate whore

Dear Sarah Jessica Parker,

First things first:


Now, normally I wouldn't post a picture like this in an entry. It really has nothing to do with anything, but unfortunately for you, SJP (seriously, you know you have man-hands, right?) my tolerance for your annoying crap is at an all-time low (no, for real: when you dress that way, are we supposed to believe that people take you seriously, or do they maybe just assume you're homeless?). Now, this is mostly my fault: I've been bored and I watched all six seasons of Sex and the City within the past couple of months. This condensed viewing has forced me to notice some of your more soul-crushingly-irritating...traits.

Case in Point #1:

No, really. Have some of my sandwich. I insist. I wasn't going to finish it anyways.

Case in Point #2:

Okay, I don't know how you managed to convince the people at InStyle that you were a fashion trend-setter, but kudos to you for thinking that you could convince the rest of the Western world while wearing denim culottes and using a cane. Well played.

Case in Point #3:

There's something about the following description that makes me want to kill myself:

"Singing for the first time since a Broadway role in 1997, Sarah Jessica opens the 30-second spot in a quintessential "girly" bedroom as she primps for a day out on the town. The bedroom is filled with feminine frills including a vanity table and dressing room -- and everything from the carpet to the walls are pretty in pink. As Sarah Jessica gets ready to enjoy the first day of spring, she tries on an array of khaki outfits, finds the perfect look for the occasion and runs outside to greet the world.Outside her apartment, there is a feeling of springtime celebration -- trees are blooming, people are enjoying the fresh air and an admirer hands Sarah Jessica a beautiful bouquet of pink flowers. The commercial captures the energy of spring while showcasing Gap's new feminine khaki paired with spring's flirty tops. Set to Marc Shamain's rendition of the classic Rogers and Hammerstein song "Enjoy Being a Girl," Sarah Jessica sings and dances her way through the spot in everything from wide leg khaki pants paired with a flirty puff-sleeved shirt to a khaki trench coat and sexy silk cami".
"Hey, I'm Sarah Jessica Parker, and I'm REALLY excited to be a girl! See how happy I am? I'm REALLY, REALLY happy! No seriously! I am WAY SUPER HAPPY!! Too bad you're not this happy! It's really awesome! Oh well, a lot of people aren't SUPER HAPPY. There's no shame in that - being average is good! Oh, I should go, some admirer is about to hand me a beautiful bouquet of pink flowers! Don't you love it when that happens? Oh, really? Never? Hmm...maybe you don't smile snough! Like me! SUPER HAPPY!"

First of all: hang on for a second while I put this lit cigarette out in my eye.

Second of all: great. Thanks GAP and Sarah Jessica Parker, for telling me that I can enjoy being a girl. What, does that god awful khaki trench coat come with my acceptance of girlhood? Oh, and I get to dance around with flowers and a big bat-shit insane grin on my face? Not for nothing man-hands, but I think that I'll pass on this whole thing you've got going here.


the usual spy

Addendum: You're launching a frangrance? Girl, please! Enough already! We can barely remember why you were ever popular in the first place, and I don't think we liked you that much then.