Friday, December 30, 2005

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Until you blog about it.

I'm BACK!

I was in Las Vegas. Here's a tip though: locals refer to it just as "Vegas." There's no need for the "Las." Keep that under your hat.

I took some pictures when I was gone. Would you like to see them? Of course you would!



First, my parents renewed their wedding vows. Isn't my mom pretty?



Then my brother got a fake I.D. Don't be fooled: my family is not actually from Arizona.



I finally got to live out my dream of being a cage dancer.



Awww...look! We ate together as a family! Here's my dad totally busting my brother for all his wacky hi-jinks.



Oh yeah, I totally forgot: we killed a man in Vegas just to watch him die! We buried him in the desert.



I think that this is when my dad was telling us that if any of us ever told anyone about the murder, he'd hunt us down like dogs and slit our throats. That's what's so great about family vacations: the moral lessons that we learn as a family stay with us until we mysteriously die and/or disappear without a trace.



"I'm serious, kids. You tell anyone - anyone AT ALL - and you won't live to see your next birthday. I have friends. I can make it look like an accident. Now get out there and sell that yayo. Oh wait, are we still trying to make it to that pancake breakfast buffet?"

It's good to be back!

the usual spy.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

It's time to pay the price.

Perhaps you're wondering what my position is on video games. Well, I'm here to tell you: I hate them. Now, before you get all up in my face, let me explain why. To put it simply, I was spoiled as a child. What's that? You want to know how, exactly?

Biggity-BAM!


AWWW yeah!

When it comes to electronics, this sweet machine spoiled me for life. Can we see that piece of technology out of the box?


As Tag Team might say, Whoomp, there it is!

This is what represented the height of technology for me until I got a Walkman (which I still have. But that's different - everyone knows that mixed tapes are rad). There's a chance that you don't believe me with my Luddite-esque talk. Allow me to put your fears at ease: I present to you The Zenith.
The Zenith. This was the first television that was ever introduced into our house. In 1987. This television is still in our house. In 2005. Note its fancy wood panelling. But back to the Commodore 64. What other gaming system could possibly offer me a game like Jungle Hunt?




How great is this game? Answer: pretty great. Check out these graphics! And you get to swim, swing from vines, AND jump over boulders. I don't want to be crass, but it's basically balls-to-the-wall excitement.





Oh, you need a few minutes to take it all in? I understand. See, I grew up with this, so this is like no big deal for me. There are other games I could get into right now, but I'll save them for another time. I can see that I've overwhelmed you. Normally I wouldn't want to do that, however, it was necessary to make my point: don't bring that Halo 2 shit around here. I have NO NEED for it. And now you know why.


the usual spy.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Finding out that true love is blind.

Question:
Does this shirt make him much lamer than you ever suspected, or way, way more rad than you ever even imagined to be possible?


More importantly, where can I get this shirt, and who will buy it for me for Christmas? (I'm looking your way, Borrelli) .

Friday, December 16, 2005

TGIF screws me again.

I'm just going to say what we're all thinking: "The X Files" has the worst opening sequence in television history. Let's do a quick re-cap.

1.


Okay. This part isn't bad. Now we know the title of the show. That may come in handy when we're talking about it later.



2.

Okay. Here's the first clue that this opening sequence could be super lame. What the fuck is this? Crazy alien hieroglyphics? What is this, a test? Fuck that shit: it's Friday night, and I've got a bag of ketchup chips! TGIF!

3.

Okay. Suddenly, it's a dance party. Listen up, X-Files: if I wanted to be dancing underneath the hazy lights of a disco ball, I'd be at my highschool's MuchMusic dance party. But I'm not. I'm home watching X-Files. So cut the crap.


4.



Alright, come on! You're joking, right? Who is this? "The Scream"?




I think that I can say with complete authority that while Edvard Munch would like the X-Files, even he would absolutely not abide by this shit.




5.

Okay. At this point, I think that the producers were like, "well, we certainly don't know what the fuck is going on. Let's throw some words in there to try to clarify what's what." The picture in the background? I'm going to go ahead and say that's what my ovaries look like.


6.

Okay. Finally something that makes sense. I like Fox because he kind of looks like my cousin. Don't get too comfortable with all the sense-making though, because here comes...



7.


oh, SNAP! The government denies knowledge? I knew it: I never trusted those shady fuckers.




8.


Hey! We're back in the game! Nice to meet you, Gillian Anderson. Well, this is really picking up! I think I get it! Wait wha-



9.


Okay. If you didn't think the beginning was lame enough, this is where everything falls apart. Up to this point, maybe this whole thing could have been salvaged. But not anymore. What is this supposed to represent? That someone found clip art on their computer? This is the part where I realize that only $7 was left in the budget for the opening sequence. Then the crew bought hotdogs or something, so someone had to ask his younger brother to put this together with his Commodore 64, an elastic band, and a staple gun. For $4. And a place in television history, but not in a good way.


10.



Seeing it again doesn't make it any better, Chris Carter.




11.



Yeah, I'm talking to YOU, giant eyeball. Back off. Well, how is this masterpiece going to end?



12.



SPOOKY. Unfortunately, the truth is out there: I wish I had gone to that MuchMusic dance, and not eaten this entire bag of ketchup chips by myself.



the usual spy.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Girl one.

Girl 1: Yes, but have you ever coveted something? Not just wanted, but coveted? Desired something so strongly that it makes you sick?

Girl 2: (inaudible)

Girl 1: No, you don’t understand. It is because I will never have that…that freedom. To be consumed with this, this feeling…there is nothing worse. And it will stay with me. It is with me always.

Girl 2: (inaudible)

Girl 1: I don’t know, I don’t know. Maybe there is something sick in me. Maybe this is it.

Girl 2: (inaudible)

Girl 1: It doesn’t matter: I will never be free.