Friday, December 16, 2005

TGIF screws me again.

I'm just going to say what we're all thinking: "The X Files" has the worst opening sequence in television history. Let's do a quick re-cap.


Okay. This part isn't bad. Now we know the title of the show. That may come in handy when we're talking about it later.


Okay. Here's the first clue that this opening sequence could be super lame. What the fuck is this? Crazy alien hieroglyphics? What is this, a test? Fuck that shit: it's Friday night, and I've got a bag of ketchup chips! TGIF!


Okay. Suddenly, it's a dance party. Listen up, X-Files: if I wanted to be dancing underneath the hazy lights of a disco ball, I'd be at my highschool's MuchMusic dance party. But I'm not. I'm home watching X-Files. So cut the crap.


Alright, come on! You're joking, right? Who is this? "The Scream"?

I think that I can say with complete authority that while Edvard Munch would like the X-Files, even he would absolutely not abide by this shit.


Okay. At this point, I think that the producers were like, "well, we certainly don't know what the fuck is going on. Let's throw some words in there to try to clarify what's what." The picture in the background? I'm going to go ahead and say that's what my ovaries look like.


Okay. Finally something that makes sense. I like Fox because he kind of looks like my cousin. Don't get too comfortable with all the sense-making though, because here comes...


oh, SNAP! The government denies knowledge? I knew it: I never trusted those shady fuckers.


Hey! We're back in the game! Nice to meet you, Gillian Anderson. Well, this is really picking up! I think I get it! Wait wha-


Okay. If you didn't think the beginning was lame enough, this is where everything falls apart. Up to this point, maybe this whole thing could have been salvaged. But not anymore. What is this supposed to represent? That someone found clip art on their computer? This is the part where I realize that only $7 was left in the budget for the opening sequence. Then the crew bought hotdogs or something, so someone had to ask his younger brother to put this together with his Commodore 64, an elastic band, and a staple gun. For $4. And a place in television history, but not in a good way.


Seeing it again doesn't make it any better, Chris Carter.


Yeah, I'm talking to YOU, giant eyeball. Back off. Well, how is this masterpiece going to end?


SPOOKY. Unfortunately, the truth is out there: I wish I had gone to that MuchMusic dance, and not eaten this entire bag of ketchup chips by myself.

the usual spy.


Blogger plainclothes man said...

this might be the greatest "blog post" i've ever read.
well done.

5:32 a.m.  
Anonymous Ceeg said...

Ketchup chips are awesome!

5:20 p.m.  

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