The Last Broadcast

I've moved!

2006-11-07T13:30:00.000-05:00

I've moved from Blogger. This blog can now be found at:

www.broadcasttheory.wordpress.com

Thanks!

If you walk out on me, I'm walking after you

2006-10-02T23:12:00.000-04:00

An Open Letter to the Male Stranger Who Just Yelled at Me to "Smile" from the Passenger Seat of His Girlfriend's (?) Car

2006-09-29T18:42:00.000-04:00

Dear Douchbag,

I'm sorry, are you talking to me? See, I didn't realize that because I HAVE NO IDEA WHO YOU ARE AND YOU'RE YELLING AT ME FROM A CAR. Do you see how I have giant headphones on? That means that I'm listening to music. Even though a child would understand the following, let me outline it for you: my headwear also means that a) I can't really hear you, and b) I'm not interested in listening to you, and c) I'm ESPECIALLY not interested in talking to you. I'm not sure what it is about my appearance that makes you think that I'm interested in your advice re: my current mood, but I'm pretty sure that it's NOT the fact that I'm kind of limping because I've been walking for a while now and I have blisters because my feet are used to sandals NOR the fact that I'm carrying grocery bags NOR the fact that I am, as I previously stated, wearing headphones, which is the international symbol for "I'm not listening/please leave me alone." In fact, all of these things add up to a picture of a woman who does not care whether or not you think that she should smile. Why is it so important to you that I smile anyways? And why is it of such importance to you that you actually STICK YOUR HEAD OUT THE WINDOW OF THE CAR AND CONTINUE TO YELL AT ME UNTIL I ACTUALLY LOOK AT YOU, DESPITE THE FACT THAT I AM WEARING GIANT HEADPHONES? Are you, in fact, clinically retarded?

Also, YOU'RE WITH A GIRL IN THE CAR. For whatever reason, she's decided to give you a ride somewhere, and guess what? She doesn't want to hear your misguided, ill-advised attempts to get another girl's attention. She may not be your girlfriend (fingers crossed!), but even if that's the case, you've just embarrassed her into NEVER DRIVING YOU ANYWHERE EVER AGAIN. And you know what? The real reason why this bothers me so much is that this isn't the first time that some idiot - always a guy, for whatever reason - has told me to "smile." How about this? How about you let me decide how to express my own mood? How about that? Because that's how adults treat other adults. NOT TO MENTION, if I was a 26 year-old guy, would you still be yelling at me? Probably not. Why is that? Why is it that the simple act of walking somewhere should suddenly be your great chance to yell something stupid at me? When did this become okay for you to do? Who told you that you could? Because whoever gave you that impression should be shot. The next time some idiot tells me to "smile," I'll be sure to mention that:

a) no thanks, I'm thinking of my dead mother right now, actually;
b) I hope that he catches an STD;
c) Please keep that "smile" comment in mind as I kick you in the junk.

To conclude: I'm not asking for your opinion. I don't care what you think about me. Stop yelling at me.

Why My Dad is Cool: Part 2 of a 238 Part Series

2006-09-28T21:59:00.000-04:00

Does anyone remember this particular edition of The Globe and Mail?

I sure don't!

But that's not the point here. The point is, my dad loves to write to The Globe and Mail and sarcastically respond to what other people have to say. Frankly, it makes me proud.

Here's his latest letter:

Royal pain
FRANK STEEVE

Barrie, Ont. -- Well, it was certainly a revelation to discover how to improve students' math skills according to Margaret Wente (What's The Newest Thing In Math? Old Math -- Sept. 26). Is it possible that someone will find an improvement in reading and writing skills if grammar, spelling and writing are taught?

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm not sure why it's titled "Royal Pain," but I feel like it's one of two options:

a) The Globe and Mail has resorted to not-so-subtly insulting my dad, or

b) It's some reference to the article that my dad is responding to.

I'm not sure, but I hope its not option a, because otherwise the "Letters to the Editor" section is going to get some witheringly sarcastic letters in the future.

Poppin' and Lockin'

2006-09-28T16:44:00.000-04:00

It's sort of hard to say what's going on here.

More Than Meets the Eye

2006-09-28T01:00:00.000-04:00

Remember these guys?

(WARNING: THIS CLIP IS 10 MINUTES LONG, BUT YOU SHOULD WATCH IT ANYWAYS)

Remember how they're getting their very own live-action movie? I do. I think about it every day, because this is my wallpaper:

Don't get confused. I am in no way referring to this movie:

Although, it was pretty awesome. Did you know that Orson Welles voiced Unicron? It's true!

Okay, I, for one, am VERY excited about this movie. I know that it could go badly, but I'm choosing to stay optimistic, mostly because the entire concept behind Transformers is SO SPINE-CRUSHINGLY COOL. Think about it: ALIENS THAT ARE ROBOTS THAT TRANSFORM INTO OTHER THINGS. It's totally crazy!

Let's look at the evidence that points to why this movie could be super great.

1) The trailer
Yes, it's a bit dramatic, yes, seeing Michael Bay's name is a bit...um....horrible, considering that every movie that he's ever made has sucked, but I have faith this time. Why? Because I feel that Michael Bay is really good at shooting cars, explosions and huge fight scenes, which is (I think) what a lot of this movie is going to be anyways: vehicles exploding and fighting.

Here's the trailer:

Did you just get chills? I just got chills.

2) The leaked footage of cars transforming looks TOTALLY AWESOME. I don't know for sure if this footage is actually from the movie or not, but who cares? And, as Jeff pointed out, that's not the sound that they're supposed to make, but let's just assume that they're going to fix that later.

PS: Who is your favourite Transformer? Mine is Soundwave. He's so cool! I'm a nerd.

Guess who borrowed her Dad's digital camera?

2006-09-25T22:18:00.000-04:00

Okay, so this isn't about Transformers (BUT I SWEAR THAT'S COMING).

ANYWAYS....

AWWWW YEAH!!!

Too bad I forgot to borrow the software that came with the camera.

Guess who finally got the internet?

2006-09-20T14:15:00.000-04:00

The answer to that should actually be pretty obvious. New post coming soon. Here's a hint about its topic:

AWWWWWWWWWW YEAH!!

Why My Dad Is Cool: Part 1 of a 238 Part Series

2006-08-07T00:16:00.000-04:00

Does anyone remember this particular issue of The Globe and Mail?

Okay, me neither, but that's because I don't read that rag. However, my dad does, and last week his letter to the editor was published! He's famous! Here it is in all its glory:

We, the jury
FRANK STEEVE

Barrie, Ont. -- Marina Strauss (Feeling Trapped By Jury Duty -- July 26) should regard herself as lucky she was not eventually selected for jury duty.

Several years ago, I was chosen for jury duty on a murder trial. Two of the jurors were so stupid that they could not remember the most basic events reported during the trial. Eventually, 10 of us would no longer speak to the other two, who still insisted on a verdict of guilty of premeditated murder although the judge had removed this as an option at the start of the trial.

Since the jury eventually came to the proper verdict of manslaughter, I realize that the jury system worked. A more efficient way to do jury duty would be initial intelligence and memory testing; at least that would speed up the process of jury selection and the jury's final decision.

Ha ha! BURN! He totally burns everyone in this thing!

God damn, give this man an honorary degree or something! He's a hilarious AND a genius!

Remember what fun tasted like?

2006-07-25T00:28:00.000-04:00

I sure as fuck do!

It tasted like a goddamn funnel cake! FOR BREAKFAST!

God bless you, IHOP. Bless you for finally - finally! - bringing the food of carnies to us, the everyday, non-carny folk who just want to eat some fucking fun for breakfast. (Is that too much to ask, Pancake House?)

However, here's the thing: although IHOP is an acronym for International House of Pancakes, here is a visual representation of where IHOPs are located:

Plus, to be fair, there are 12 IHOPS in B.C. I hate to say it, but I'm not sure how "international" this house of pancakes REALLY is. And frankly, if there's one thing that I DON'T need in my life right now, it's a restaurant that can't just tell the truth.

I'm sticking with Golden Griddle, because despite its lack of carnival-based foods, it would never lie to me. Although, having carnival-based foods would help. After all, carnivals don't do well just because of their ultra-modern, super safe rides.

mono a mono

2006-06-15T01:01:00.000-04:00

A) OBJECTIVE:HOME MOVIES SEASON FOUR

MISSION: ACCOMPLISHED.

STATUS: TOTALLY MINE.

B) OBJECTIVE:MONO (aka:GLANDULAR FEVER)

MISSION: ACCOMPLISHED

STATUS: TOTALLY MINE (for life! Mono NEVER LEAVES YOUR BODY!)

sigh.

2006-04-28T19:20:00.000-04:00

Do you lie awake at night wondering what the Dean's response to my letter was?

Well, wonder no longer: here it is (I have done some paraphrasing) -

Dear Lesley,

Thank you for your letter. I completely sympathize with your frustration. However, please go fuck yourself.

Sincerely,

the Dean.

PS: McMaster will now be randomly charging you three grand, despite the fact that you are no longer a student here, and sending said account statement to your parents in order to give them both heart attacks (again!), thereby moving one step closer to completing the university's plan of slowly but totally decimating your life. (This ACTUALLY JUST HAPPENED!)

FIERCE!!!

2006-03-23T23:55:00.000-05:00

Due to the overwhelming deluge of emails and phone calls, I've decided to respond officially: no, I did not try out for and/or win:

I know, I know: I'm just as surprised as you are. I missed the auditions, I guess. And, for some reason, I was not contacted directly to be asked to try out. However, if I had tried out, I probably would have sent in that skeleton picture. Remember? This one:

Also, maybe this one:

I'm standing on the left with my arms crossed. I think I'm angry because it's cold out, even though it's the end of May. However, note how tanned I am. That's why I'm smiling. You know who else should have tried out for CNTM? My friend Kelly. She's the hot blonde girl standing two people to the right of me. The girl in between us was super nice, but spent a lot of time trying to convince Kelly to be her bff, which was kind of weird.

Anyways, I've gotten off-track here. The point is, no, I'm not Canada's Next Top Model...yet. Besides, you know that they're going to pick someone who's not cool enough for that skeleton costume.

There Goes the Fear.

2006-03-11T23:19:00.000-05:00

SWEET FANCY MOSES!

May 16th canNOT come fast enough.

Whoever buys this for me will earn my undying affection. And I will make out with you.

Ladies, this includes you too.

21 Questions

2006-03-09T00:52:00.000-05:00

1. Why does everything have to be such a struggle?
2. Why can't anything just work?
3. Why did this even start?
4. What is the point of this?
5. Why can't I be first choice?
6. Why am I not enough?
7. When is it my turn?
8. Why can't I be a better person?
9. What happened?
10. Why do I always ruin things?
11. Why am I never satisfied?
12. Why can't I be grateful?
13. Why can't I be like you?
14. Why is she sick?
15. Why is it her?
16. Why is it her, and not me?
17. Why isn't it working?
18. How much more time is there?
19. Why am I here?
20. Why does this keep happening?
21. What's wrong with me?

Vigilante justice.

2006-03-03T12:51:00.000-05:00

As you may or may not know, I have recently completed my Master's degree after what felt like 17 years of anxiety-riddled, panic-stricken, soul-crushing, self-esteem-defeating, agonizing bullshit. As a result of this, I, in conjunction with a Globalization prof at McMaster, have written a letter to the Dean of Graduate Studies. I'm guessing that nothing will really come of it, but it feels good to have written it, and you've wondered at any point in the last while why I've had moments (or weeks/months) of craziness, this might explain why.

WARNING: It's pretty long.

March 2, 2006

Dr. Fred L. Hall, Dean
School of Graduate Studies
McMaster University

Dear Dean Hall,

I am writing this letter to draw your attention to my extremely frustrating and disappointing experience as an English M.A. student at McMaster University. Although I now have my Master’s degree, I am over $13,000 in debt and I have lost a significant amount of time as a direct result of the way that I was supervised in McMaster’s thesis-based M.A. program. Based on my experience, I am wondering whether the rules and norms governing supervision of theses protect students adequately, when there might be problems with a thesis. Let me explain.

In September 2003, I was accepted into McMaster’s M.A. program in English. I chose to do a thesis-based M.A. because I looked forward to the challenge of exploring a topic that was of interest to me, and expressing my interest in a novella-length paper. I began work on my thesis during the year (as all thesis students do), while completing four M.A. level courses. I averaged between an A- and an A in these classes. Beginning in May 2004, I began to focus all of my attention on the thesis, but I got off to a slow start because my mother had been recently diagnosed with cancer and was undergoing chemotherapy. Obviously, at times, this illness diverted my concentration from my thesis. Nevertheless, until August 2004, I was still working towards a September 2004 defence date, until two members of my committee indicated that I would not be adequately prepared in time. As a result, it was agreed that I would work into the Fall. Additionally, as I had checked the McMaster M.A. student handbook, I knew that I had until March 2005 to finish with my thesis, and with continued help and advice from my supervisor, I felt confident that I would finish well before that date.

Thus, I continued to work on my thesis and to meet regularly with my supervisor until August 2004. Unfortunately, between September and November 2004, I realized that I was not a priority for my supervisor or my first reader, and the length and frequency of our meetings dropped severely at a time when, given the outcome of my thesis project, I realize that I should have been having frequent, lengthy meetings.

In November 2004, after completing over 100 pages of my thesis, I was informed - by an email - that my thesis was not progressing in the direction that my supervisor and my first reader had intended. While I accept full responsibility for the mistakes that I made that led to this decision (i.e., I should have insisted on further clarification for some of the feedback, I should have requested more frequent and longer meetings, and I should have made absolutely sure that I understood what was being asked of me), I was beyond disappointed by that fact that there was no ownership for this turn of events on the part of any of the faculty members involved. Why did I receive this type of devastating feedback at this point in time, and not earlier? Why did I not deserve to have a long meeting with my supervisor to discuss what had happened? Why was I not given the chance – that, according to the McMaster M.A. handbook, I am entitled to – to work on my thesis until March 2005?

Instead, both my supervisor and my first reader were strongly recommending that I do coursework. I asked if it would be possible to have another faculty member read my thesis or if it would be possible for me to have a new committee. Both of these ideas were rejected. In December, I made a last attempt to continue with my thesis by writing a new six page proposal that I believed addressed the concerns of my supervisor and my first reader. This, too, was rejected. I then resigned myself to doing coursework, despite the fact that it would mean moving back to Hamilton from Toronto - a move that forced me to drastically alter my plans for any future employment.

As a result of the decision that I would not be able to continue with my thesis, I decided to withdraw for the Winter Term (January-April) in order to recover financially from having to pay for tuition from September to December – tuition I paid despite the fact that I met with my supervisor only four times - and to attempt to earn and save money in order to pay for my upcoming courses. Then, on April 4th, just twelve days before I was to register for classes, and only fourteen days before classes were actually to begin, I received an email stating that the new Associate Dean of the School of Graduate Studies had decided that no M.A. students could switch from a thesis-based M.A. degree to a coursework-based M.A. degree. I would like to note here that I never understood how or why this decision would be made at the beginning of the third term for M.A. students. This email also stated that because of this decision, I would not be able to do coursework (the decision suggested by my supervisor and my first reader as recently as December 2004). Rather, I would be continuing with my thesis with a new committee, a suggestion that I made in December of 2004 that was rejected.

Although I appreciated the fact that it appeared as though I would be able to complete my degree with a thesis – which is what I had always wanted to do – this decision effectively forced me to alter all plans for moving (and renting an apartment, etc.) and (more importantly) it essentially forced me to lose five months of income. This loss came from the fact that I was unable to seek full-time employment based on the belief that, a) I would be moving to Hamilton in April, and b) in April I would once again be a full-time student. On top of this result, if I had been able to begin thesis work with a new committee in December 2004 (as I suggested), I would not have lost five months of time during which I could have been working on my thesis.

I am particularly baffled and frustrated that this decision was imposed upon me in April, five months into an agreement made in December 2004 by my supervisor, my first reader and the head of the English Graduate Studies Department. As I have implied, I was opposed to the decision to continue with coursework (a sentiment I made clear back in December), but as it was so strongly suggested to me (and with no other options being made available to me), I agreed to do coursework to ensure that I would be able to finish my degree. This decision was then reversed five months later. I believed that this decision had been made too late, and I could not even begin to understand how someone could approach me at such a late date and tell me that the option to continue with coursework was no longer viable. That decision should have been verified with the Associate Dean of the School of Graduate Studies in December, and I could not comprehend how a new Dean could reverse a decision that was made in the prior year. Decisions like these can have severe financial consequences for students who are supporting themselves or for their families.

Fortunately, I was not the only person who felt this way. I immediately went to an Ombudsperson – for the second time – to explain this new situation. She informed me that because I had both verbal and written documentation of this course-work based agreement, this decision could not be reversed at such a late date. In fact, she met with both the Associate Dean of the School of Graduate Studies and the English Graduate chair in order to make this point absolutely clear. At this time then, I had both options open to me: I could continue with my thesis, or I could pursue my course-work. I chose the course-work option because I no longer trusted the faculty members of McMaster’s English Department to guide me through the thesis option. The faculty must have a responsibility to the student. Based on this fact, my former employer (previously on the Faculty of Health Sciences at McMaster University) had encouraged me to seek guidance through the office of the Ombudsman, and she also suggested that I consider taking legal action if necessary. Another McMaster employee has advised me to file a formal grievance.

In the end, I completed the courses needed for my degree in the Fall Term of 2005. As I mentioned earlier, I am now over $13,000 in debt. I came out of my undergraduate program debt-free. Unfortunately, I had to pay tuition and supplementary fees for September-December 2004 and May 2005-December 2005. This cost me approximately $5000. I also had to rely on OSAP for additional living expenses from September 2004-August 2005 as I was unable to obtain any sort of salaried employment position because I was still working on my thesis and I expected to be going back to school in May 2005.

I hope that this letter has clearly outlined why I am upset. Not only did I lose time in my life as a result of my supervisor’s decision, but I now also have a serious debt. Again, faculty members supervising a student must have a responsibility to that student. If a student is going to be told that he or she will never be able to defend his or her thesis (as I was told in December 2004), rules should be in place to ensure that this judgement will not be given after the student has worked four additional months, spent thousands of additional dollars and written over one hundred pages. Furthermore, I have several emphatic suggestions:
1) That thesis-related requirements and suggestions are clearly explained in supervisor-student meetings and that questions the student has about these ideas will not be dismissed without an explanation;
2) That the student is entitled to weekly or biweekly meetings with either his or her supervisor or first reader for at least 60 minutes each meeting to discuss the progress of the thesis.
3) The Graduate Calendar states that for M.A. students, a department should prepare a set of guidelines for supervisors or students. “The guidelines should deal with the selection and functioning of supervisory committees and should cover the joint responsibilities of faculty members and graduate students” (my emphasis). I think that this rule should be enforced.
4) Under Ph.D. supervisions, it is stated that the supervisory committee is “to provide the student with regular appraisals of progress or lack of it.” I think that this requirement should be explicitly stated for M.A. thesis supervisors as well.

I am beyond disappointed and frustrated with my thesis experience at McMaster. What upsets me the most is not my loss of time and money, but rather, the fact that at no point did my supervisor or my first reader ever take any responsibility for what had happened. It is clear to anyone who is aware of my situation that it is impossible that this misfortune is solely my responsibility. While I am still baffled at how any conscientious student with an A-/A average could ever possibly be in the situation that I was in, I am happy that I have now successfully completed my M.A. degree at McMaster University. I would be more than willing to personally discuss any aspect of this letter personally with you.

Sincerely,

Lesley Steeve

Sick of myself when I look at you.

2006-02-21T00:50:00.000-05:00

About a year ago, I came across:
1) a giant, hard-cover Medical Dictionary, and
2) a giant, hard-cover Symptoms & Remedies Dictionary.

For someone with low-level hypochondria, these books have been both a gift and a curse. I like to flip through them every once and a while to stay on my toes. I know that this sounds like strange casual reading, but in my defense, let's take a look at my medical history:

1) Nail through cheek.

2) Kidney infection

3) Conjunctivitis (a.k.a. pinkeye)

4) Undiagnosed skin rash (non-fungal)

5) Food poisoning

6) Gout

7) Ruptured eardrum (twice)

I have currently diagnosed myself with diabetes:

Don't be too upset for me though because:

1) I've never broken a bone
2) I've never had a cavity
3) I am rarely sick

HOORAY!!!

If Bill Kurtis decided to rewrite the US Constitution, I would not protest that.

2006-02-17T23:15:00.000-05:00

If you know me, then you know that my favourite non-animated television show is A&E's American Justice.

Right now you may be asking yourself, "why would that be Lesley's favourite non-animated show?"

Give yourself a pat on the back, because that is a great question. And the answer can be summarized in two words: Bill fucking Kurtis.

Awwww yeah! His soothing voice makes examining cases that challenge U.S. constitutional law feel like you're ACTUALLY FLOATING UP TO HEAVEN.

That's how good the show is. And that's how good Bill Kurtis is. He's even written a book which, if you are educated like myself, you will have already read:

Have you ever written a book? Then you may not even be worthy of Bill Kurtis's presence!!!!

"I think Jesus would appreciate you doing his work a little bit better if you use better grammar."

2006-02-05T23:07:00.000-05:00

Like many of you, I am wondering if I will ultimately suffer from eternal damnation. Will I, in fact, be LEFT BEHIND?

To be honest, I always suspected that I had more in common with Kirk Cameron than our mutual crush in 1991 on Leonardo DiCaprio (aka "Luke Brower").

"No, MY ass is more bulbous!"

He's so dreamy!

ANYWAYS...I haven't actually seen this movie...YET.
Or this one:

But it's on my to-do list.

NEXT TIME:

An in-depth look at Harvey Birdman, Attorney-At-Law!

LOOK OUT!

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Until you blog about it.

2005-12-30T22:57:00.000-05:00

I'm BACK!

I was in Las Vegas. Here's a tip though: locals refer to it just as "Vegas." There's no need for the "Las." Keep that under your hat.

I took some pictures when I was gone. Would you like to see them? Of course you would!

First, my parents renewed their wedding vows. Isn't my mom pretty?

Then my brother got a fake I.D. Don't be fooled: my family is not actually from Arizona.

I finally got to live out my dream of being a cage dancer.

Awww...look! We ate together as a family! Here's my dad totally busting my brother for all his wacky hi-jinks.

Oh yeah, I totally forgot: we killed a man in Vegas just to watch him die! We buried him in the desert.

I think that this is when my dad was telling us that if any of us ever told anyone about the murder, he'd hunt us down like dogs and slit our throats. That's what's so great about family vacations: the moral lessons that we learn as a family stay with us until we mysteriously die and/or disappear without a trace.

"I'm serious, kids. You tell anyone - anyone AT ALL - and you won't live to see your next birthday. I have friends. I can make it look like an accident. Now get out there and sell that yayo. Oh wait, are we still trying to make it to that pancake breakfast buffet?"

It's good to be back!

the usual spy.

It's time to pay the price.

2005-12-22T01:43:00.000-05:00

Perhaps you're wondering what my position is on video games. Well, I'm here to tell you: I hate them. Now, before you get all up in my face, let me explain why. To put it simply, I was spoiled as a child. What's that? You want to know how, exactly?

Biggity-BAM!

AWWW yeah!

When it comes to electronics, this sweet machine spoiled me for life. Can we see that piece of technology out of the box?

As Tag Team might say, Whoomp, there it is!

This is what represented the height of technology for me until I got a Walkman (which I still have. But that's different - everyone knows that mixed tapes are rad). There's a chance that you don't believe me with my Luddite-esque talk. Allow me to put your fears at ease: I present to you The Zenith.
The Zenith. This was the first television that was ever introduced into our house. In 1987. This television is still in our house. In 2005. Note its fancy wood panelling. But back to the Commodore 64. What other gaming system could possibly offer me a game like Jungle Hunt?

How great is this game? Answer: pretty great. Check out these graphics! And you get to swim, swing from vines, AND jump over boulders. I don't want to be crass, but it's basically balls-to-the-wall excitement.

Oh, you need a few minutes to take it all in? I understand. See, I grew up with this, so this is like no big deal for me. There are other games I could get into right now, but I'll save them for another time. I can see that I've overwhelmed you. Normally I wouldn't want to do that, however, it was necessary to make my point: don't bring that Halo 2 shit around here. I have NO NEED for it. And now you know why.

the usual spy.

Finding out that true love is blind.

2005-12-21T21:50:00.000-05:00

Question:

Does this shirt make him much lamer than you ever suspected, or way, way more rad than you ever even imagined to be possible?

More importantly, where can I get this shirt, and who will buy it for me for Christmas? (I'm looking your way, Borrelli) .

TGIF screws me again.

2005-12-16T14:48:00.000-05:00

I'm just going to say what we're all thinking: "The X Files" has the worst opening sequence in television history. Let's do a quick re-cap.

1.

Okay. This part isn't bad. Now we know the title of the show. That may come in handy when we're talking about it later.

2.

Okay. Here's the first clue that this opening sequence could be super lame. What the fuck is this? Crazy alien hieroglyphics? What is this, a test? Fuck that shit: it's Friday night, and I've got a bag of ketchup chips! TGIF!

3.

Okay. Suddenly, it's a dance party. Listen up, X-Files: if I wanted to be dancing underneath the hazy lights of a disco ball, I'd be at my highschool's MuchMusic dance party. But I'm not. I'm home watching X-Files. So cut the crap.

4.

Alright, come on! You're joking, right? Who is this? "The Scream"?

I think that I can say with complete authority that while Edvard Munch would like the X-Files, even he would absolutely not abide by this shit.

5.

Okay. At this point, I think that the producers were like, "well, we certainly don't know what the fuck is going on. Let's throw some words in there to try to clarify what's what." The picture in the background? I'm going to go ahead and say that's what my ovaries look like.

6.

Okay. Finally something that makes sense. I like Fox because he kind of looks like my cousin. Don't get too comfortable with all the sense-making though, because here comes...

7.

oh, SNAP! The government denies knowledge? I knew it: I never trusted those shady fuckers.

8.

Hey! We're back in the game! Nice to meet you, Gillian Anderson. Well, this is really picking up! I think I get it! Wait wha-

9.

Okay. If you didn't think the beginning was lame enough, this is where everything falls apart. Up to this point, maybe this whole thing could have been salvaged. But not anymore. What is this supposed to represent? That someone found clip art on their computer? This is the part where I realize that only $7 was left in the budget for the opening sequence. Then the crew bought hotdogs or something, so someone had to ask his younger brother to put this together with his Commodore 64, an elastic band, and a staple gun. For $4. And a place in television history, but not in a good way.

10.

Seeing it again doesn't make it any better, Chris Carter.

11.

Yeah, I'm talking to YOU, giant eyeball. Back off. Well, how is this masterpiece going to end?

12.

SPOOKY. Unfortunately, the truth is out there: I wish I had gone to that MuchMusic dance, and not eaten this entire bag of ketchup chips by myself.

the usual spy.

Girl one.

2005-12-09T16:25:00.000-05:00

Girl 1: Yes, but have you ever coveted something? Not just wanted, but coveted? Desired something so strongly that it makes you sick?

Girl 2: (inaudible)

Girl 1: No, you don’t understand. It is because I will never have that…that freedom. To be consumed with this, this feeling…there is nothing worse. And it will stay with me. It is with me always.

Girl 2: (inaudible)

Girl 1: I don’t know, I don’t know. Maybe there is something sick in me. Maybe this is it.

Girl 2: (inaudible)

Girl 1: It doesn’t matter: I will never be free.

I hate to see you leave, but I love to see you walk away.

2005-11-17T22:33:00.000-05:00

Sweet fancy Moses!

If you don't like to look at attractive dudes, don't worry about reading the rest of this post. It's really probably only interesting to me and my pal Caryl.

The following is an excerpt from my new TV show, "This Will Never Happen in a Million Years":

Wentworth: "Excuse me, would you be interested in pursuing a long-term, monogamous relationship with me? By the way, I am 100% heterosexual. Also, I find your skeleton cover-all costume very attractive."

Me: "Really? Wow...normally I'd be highly suspicious of this, but you're so good-looking that I'm willing to overlook that. Plus, you look sort of familiar."

Wentworth: "Well, I'm on this show called 'Prison Break.' You've seen it, right?"

Me: "Ummm...yeah....Hey, check out how this skeleton costume doesn't have armbones on its sleeves! Isn't that weird?"

ANNNNND.................SCENE!

TAH-DAH!!! (jazz hands!)

I have what industry insiders call "it".

2005-11-10T22:53:00.000-05:00

This is a picture of Wentworth Miller. He is hot like burning.

You may know him as "that guy" from "Prison Break," but I know him as Adam Rothchild Ryan from "Popular." Possibly, you don't remember "Popular." It was on from 1999-2000 for two seasons. Unfortunately, A.R.R. was only on the show for two episodes, but they were pretty rad episodes.

If you are unfamiliar with "Popular," I pity you in some ways. In other ways, that fact may demonstrate that you possibly have things to do with your time that are better than renting DVDs (FOR FREE) from your local public library. However, you should know that you are missing a show that features exchanges such as the following:

Cherry Cherry: Good news, the wedding is back on!

Mary Cherry: But mama, how could this be?

Cherry Cherry: Don't be stupid, stupid. I was just bluffing until Erik Estrada signed the pre-nup. ...What the hell happened to you? You look like a Make-a-Wish kid.

Yeah, that's Delta Burke playing a character named "Cherry Cherry." She's Mary Cherry's mom and the owner of a multi-billion dollar company. She ends up marrying Erik Estrada (who plays himself on the show). Obviously, THE SHOW IS GENIUS.

Also, in one episode, A.R.R. says:

"Is Mary Cherry retarded?"

AND, one episode features a car that has a bumper sticker that says "my other car is a knife."

HILARIOUS!

PS: Yes,

Sometimes the fact that "According to Jim" is still on the air does make me want to kick someone in the neck, ninja-style.

Are you hot? Because your pants are on fire.

2005-11-07T15:59:00.000-05:00

CONCENTRATION CAMP SURVIVORS MYSTERIOUSLY REAPPEAR IN 2005!

"No, we just got personal trainers," insist the deluded victims.

(pic via perezhilton.com)

The way Kathie Lee needs Regis.

2005-11-05T00:31:00.000-05:00

I'm back! Sort of.

To celebrate this occasion, here's an awesome picture of me at a recent Halloween party:

I'm not sure what I was saying at this point, but obviously, I'm philosophising about something TOTALLY RAD. And people will take me seriously, because I'm a skeleton. No one wants to mess with that shit. The adorable little pixie to the right of me is Alexis. She helps me with my various skeleton philosophies and cuts my hair.

You may be asking yourself, "why is Lesley holding her thumb in that debilitatingly awkward way?" The answer is this: do you see how awesome that skeleton costume is? Do you want to mess with a girl in a costume that spine-crushingly awesome? No, you do not. Because I will Mess. You. Up.

The Usual Spy.

The Greatest Show on Earth.

2005-06-18T02:15:00.000-04:00

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Cruise,

Okay. I think that we all realize that I'm no good at updating. I'm busy, plus lately I haven't been annoyed by celebrities so much as completely and totally baffled by them. Lindsay Lohan? Nicole Richie? Paris and Paris? There's actually nothing to say about all that, because, well, who cares, really? They're all retards.

However. There is the small matter of your relationship (or is it "relationship"? I don't even know anymore). Before I get into this, let's all look at this adorable picture:

(Thanks to http://fourfour.typepad.com/fourfour/ for the pic.)

And, to make things better, I think that this cat's name is Winston, which is "purr-fect." Ha ha! Rad. If you feel yourself getting confused or angry later while reading this post, just look at this picture of Winston again.

Okay. Let's get down to it. Let's see that ring, bitches!

Whoop! There it is!

Here's the thing: if this is real, this is possibly the craziest fucking way to go about proving it. If it's NOT real, you're both bat-shit insane and you've both single-handedly brought celebrity and celebrity-based media-attention to a whole new crazy insane level. However, in the interest of this new type of reality, I'd like to put forth the idea that I've recently become engaged to Batman. No, really. He proposed to me on the fucking Eiffel Tower. Here's a picture I took of him right after he proposed:

In actual news, I got a job about a month ago at a comic book store. You can read about it here: www.silversnail.com

Also, for people who want to get into comics, I suggest that one place to start is with the re-issue of Frank Miller's Batman: Year One. It's out in hard cover right now!

Cheers,

the usual spy.

PS: I know that Moby Dick is a classic and all, but for the love of god, it's boring. Then again, I'm only 200 pages into it. Maybe it'll pick up in the last 250 pages, right?

You know what would make it better? If, at the end, Moby Dick and a giant squid fought to the death. That's what I'm counting on, but I'm guessing that instead there's going to be some big religious finale.

Knowing Me, Knowing You

2005-04-25T22:15:00.000-04:00

Dear Fictional Character Alan Partridge,

You are a king among men.

ah-HA!

the usual spy.

SJP: Broadcasting her years as a corporate whore

2005-03-03T01:50:00.000-05:00

Dear Sarah Jessica Parker,

First things first:

Oh, SNAP!

Now, normally I wouldn't post a picture like this in an entry. It really has nothing to do with anything, but unfortunately for you, SJP (seriously, you know you have man-hands, right?) my tolerance for your annoying crap is at an all-time low (no, for real: when you dress that way, are we supposed to believe that people take you seriously, or do they maybe just assume you're homeless?). Now, this is mostly my fault: I've been bored and I watched all six seasons of Sex and the City within the past couple of months. This condensed viewing has forced me to notice some of your more soul-crushingly-irritating...traits.

Case in Point #1:

No, really. Have some of my sandwich. I insist. I wasn't going to finish it anyways.

Case in Point #2:

Okay, I don't know how you managed to convince the people at InStyle that you were a fashion trend-setter, but kudos to you for thinking that you could convince the rest of the Western world while wearing denim culottes and using a cane. Well played.

Case in Point #3:

There's something about the following description that makes me want to kill myself:

"Singing for the first time since a Broadway role in 1997, Sarah Jessica opens the 30-second spot in a quintessential "girly" bedroom as she primps for a day out on the town. The bedroom is filled with feminine frills including a vanity table and dressing room -- and everything from the carpet to the walls are pretty in pink. As Sarah Jessica gets ready to enjoy the first day of spring, she tries on an array of khaki outfits, finds the perfect look for the occasion and runs outside to greet the world.Outside her apartment, there is a feeling of springtime celebration -- trees are blooming, people are enjoying the fresh air and an admirer hands Sarah Jessica a beautiful bouquet of pink flowers. The commercial captures the energy of spring while showcasing Gap's new feminine khaki paired with spring's flirty tops. Set to Marc Shamain's rendition of the classic Rogers and Hammerstein song "Enjoy Being a Girl," Sarah Jessica sings and dances her way through the spot in everything from wide leg khaki pants paired with a flirty puff-sleeved shirt to a khaki trench coat and sexy silk cami".

"Hey, I'm Sarah Jessica Parker, and I'm REALLY excited to be a girl! See how happy I am? I'm REALLY, REALLY happy! No seriously! I am WAY SUPER HAPPY!! Too bad you're not this happy! It's really awesome! Oh well, a lot of people aren't SUPER HAPPY. There's no shame in that - being average is good! Oh, I should go, some admirer is about to hand me a beautiful bouquet of pink flowers! Don't you love it when that happens? Oh, really? Never? Hmm...maybe you don't smile snough! Like me! SUPER HAPPY!"

First of all: hang on for a second while I put this lit cigarette out in my eye.

Second of all: great. Thanks GAP and Sarah Jessica Parker, for telling me that I can enjoy being a girl. What, does that god awful khaki trench coat come with my acceptance of girlhood? Oh, and I get to dance around with flowers and a big bat-shit insane grin on my face? Not for nothing man-hands, but I think that I'll pass on this whole thing you've got going here.

cheers,
the usual spy

Addendum: You're launching a frangrance? Girl, please! Enough already! We can barely remember why you were ever popular in the first place, and I don't think we liked you that much then.

Desperate Broadcasts

2005-02-08T16:50:00.000-05:00

Dear Teri Hatcher,

Okay, first off, I'm not even going to comment on whatever is happening to your chest in the above picture. It's just something I'm going to have to accept. Besides that, Teri, I just don't know what to say here. On the one hand, you're sort of the poster girl for a whole new generation of anorexic 40-somethings, but on the other hand, you seem to be as surprised as I am about your newly-resurrected career. I was all set to write something, shall we say - bitter? - about you, but then you won some award and you called yourself a has-been, and I was like, "well, that kid's got pizzaz" so I decided to call it quits. But then something happened.

I wish that I had a series of pictures - a photo slideshow, if you will - to demonstrate the point I am about to make, but alas, the ABC website (for some reason...) doesn't include any. Nevertheless, my point goes something like this: how many years have you been walking? Uh, huh. And so, you've had time to like, practice walking, right? Uh, huh, okay. Because Teri - may I call you Teri? - the thing is, in almost EVERY SINGLE EPISODE you fall over, or trip, or something, and damn it, to say the least, it makes me seethe with rage.

Now, I'm not stupid. I know that you don't control what your character is going to say or do episode to episode. But you must have some pull, right? So could you get in there at those table readings and maybe say something like "um, guys? Hi. I know that you think it's funny how I fall in every episode like some bimbo who can't quite control her spastic limbs, but actually, it's kind of annoying. Annoying because, well, if we're going to have a show about anorexic women in their 40s, could all the women at least have control over their basic motor skills? That'd be really great. I mean, it's bad enough that the only character with a normal body had to commit suicide in the first episode because she never could get the hang of binging and purging, but - What's that? Oh, that's not why she killed herself? Oh, man. My bad".

Come on Teri - anyone who can come back from a career as a Radio Shack spokewoman can surely pull this off. Oh, and do you think that you could pass this message along to Sandra Bullock? Oh, and to Julia Roberts? Great. Thanks.

the usual spy.

Broadcasting from Degrassi Junior High!

2005-02-08T16:16:00.000-05:00

Dear Degrassi Junior High Season 1 DVDs,

Wow. This is a moment that I have been waiting to witness for quite some time now. For a while, your episodes were only available on VHS, but I knew that if I waited long enough, my wish would be granted and you would appear on DVD. This, along with a recent bursary from my university that must be run by Satan's henchmen and the fact that no immediate family members have developed any new life-threatening diseases, is surely a sign that 2005 will truly be, as I predicted in December, the year of the Usual Spy.

Degrassi Junior High Season 1 DVDs, I'd like to take you back to a simpler time. A time when I was in first year, and my residence had a dress-up floor crawl. After much agonizing and drinking, my roommate and I decided that the theme of our room would be "the Degrassi Junior High episode where Stephanie gets drunk at Lucy's house before the school dance." We weren't positive as to what specific drink Stephanie gets drunk with, but we were pretty sure that it involved Bailey's, so we made shots of Bailey's and chocolate milk for the whole floor to enjoy. Of course, in the Degrassi episode, Stephanie throws up in the school bathroom. Similarly, that night, many people threw up in the residence bathroom (and, come to think of it, in the hall).

Ah, how life imitates art.

And earlier in my life, when people in high school would watch The Flintstones and Out of This World during lunch, I would only ever watch the two consecutive episodes that ran on Showcase. This is, I feel, a demonstration of my devotion to you. I mean, I gave up watching Out of This World for you! That girl could freeze time, for Christ's sake!

cheers,
the usual spy

Broadcasting Lifestyles of the Rich and Annoying

2004-12-30T02:22:00.000-05:00

Dear Good Charlotte,

Sigh. That's what I do when I think about you, Good Charlotte. Now, I don't really know you that well. In fact, I sort of suspect that there are maybe five guys in your band now, as opposed to four, as the above picture might have you believe. Then again, I don't really know. And I don't know because I don't really like you. In fact, I would venture to say that your quar/quintet is the single reason why commercial music sucks so bad right now. That's right: the reason is neither Britney, nor Hillary, nor even my nemesis, Lohan. It is, in fact, you.

And I say this because, frankly, it's time for you to take some responsibility here. Now, I know you kids have tattoos, and yes, you wear make-up, and yes, for some unbelievable reason that can only point to the coming apocalypse, you have become "friends" (I guess?) with Rancid, of all groups. But here's the thing: you're not fooling anyone. And that is why I sigh. Because it's like you're really, really trying, you know? (Except, to be honest, that one skinny dude doesn't even look like he's trying anymore. He's kinda like, "yeah, give me a lip ring, I'll grow my hair all crappy, but I really can't be bothered to look at the camera. I'll look off over here, in the distance." To that guy I say this: you're not cool enough to pull this kind of shit. Step in line, sucker.) And there's nothing wrong with trying - trying is good! But you're trying in the way that someone's little brother's band is trying: it's cute, but ultimately the brother's band sucks and they quit. That didn't happen to you. I'm not sure why, and frankly, I don't want to waste my time right now trying to figure it out.

So Good Charlotte, I end with this: Did you think it was a good idea to release many, many songs about how alienated you are, and how no one understands you, in hopes of winning over people who like and respect good music? Because you were wrong.

The Worst Broadcast

2004-12-16T18:02:00.000-05:00

.

Dear Lindsay Lohan,

Why you all in my face? Why must you continue your epic struggle to achieve complete and total media saturation? Are you trying to conquer some sort of evil tabloid trifecta by appearing in People, Star and InTouch every week, on every single page?

Earlier today on Ellen, I witnessed the trainwreck that is your "singing" career. Yikes. Lindsay - may I call you Lindsay? - you're in trouble. People don't really know what to make of you. You seem pleasant and everything, but could you remind me again why you're famous? Sure, you were in that Tina Fey movie - pip, pip! - but one Tina Fey movie does not a movie star make. Wait, what's that? You dated Fez from "That 70's Show"? Come on now - everyone knows he's the Gabrielle Carteris of that ensemble cast. Sorry, what did you say? Oh, you're "friends" with Tara "my breasts look like they are actually filled with cement" Reid and Paris "please don't point out my lazy eye" Hilton? LL, these are not "ladies" that you want to be associated with. They're actually clinically retarded.

Lindsay, it's not that I have anything against you, personally. It's just: why you? Why not some other red-headed teen with questionable talent? Well, I hope that I've brought some issues to your attention. I can't force you to stop existing as a media-created and produced persona that embodies everything that is at once both right and wrong with popular culture. I'm just one person.

Cheers,
The Usual Spy

P.S.: While I'm not totally sure what is wrong with your arms, or why they are so scrawny, I am sure that flapping them around like you're injured while you're being interviewed doesn't help anything.

The First Broadcast

2004-12-15T00:55:00.000-05:00

This site will be dedicated to the mind-numbing avalanche of pop culture that I both crave and dismiss. Once I figure out how to get pictures on the site, I will begin.

Pip, pip!